Free fall or free-fall (frfôl)
1. The fall of a body without a drag-producing device such as a parachute.
2. The ideal falling motion of a body that is subject only to a gravitational field.
3. Rapid uncontrolled motion
You say, “How are you, Amanda Lynn” and a couple of weeks ago, if I know you well enough, I’d say, “Oh, ya know. I’m good. I just have this sinking, out of control feeling like I’m free falling from a great height.” And you say, “That sounds terrible. Why do you feel so awful?”
Because great things are happening. That’s right. The passion of my heart is being assigned to me and I’m exceedingly happy and, simultaneously, more frightened than ever. (So, hey Guy-Who-Might-be-Reading-This, welcome to the complex, emotionally-wrought mind of a woman).
The passion of my heart = counseling young women who have been rescued from sex trafficking, hearing their stories, telling them they are worth saving, they are valued and that they are loved by the One who created them in His image.
And all of that is balled up in an internship with The Covering House. I’ll be writing the curriculum for a 12 week counseling program for these young ladies. And I’m freaking out.
This is not a “humble brag”….I’m ligit under-qualified.
Initially I took to friends to voice my freakedout-ness rather than the Lord because (and this is ridiculous logic) I felt like I was throwing a blessing back up at Him and being all, “Lord this is wonderful. Now make it work too?. ( Seeing that in writing makes it worse.) I went to friends to see if they could bolster me up rather than take the task to the inexhaustible, loves-me-unconditionally, King of Kings…because I didn’t want to bother Him or seem ungrateful? I was fully ready to let my self-righteous “good girl” work it out. She’s the one who tells me not to bother people with my problems and to make sure I’m dependable and to make sure that I get it exactly right. She’s a total pain.
Anyway, most friends were doing just as I hoped. They were telling me that I’m “completely normal for being scared and that once it got going I would mellow out. I have a good program, good supervision and that I’m a pretty likable girl.” These well-intentioned encouragements to “just chill out” were soothing for about 5 minutes. Then, the cycle of freak out, keep to myself, freak out, keep to myself would launch back into motion real quick like.
Until…the Spirit worked in me and the still Small Voice drowned out all the lies my head was telling me. (Don’t you love that?) I was convicted. We know this doesn’t feel great initially, but anyone who’s come through the other side of a conviction knows that it. Is. Grace! The Lord led me to His word that speaks about why He’s alright with me feeling like I’m hurling through the air without a parachute.
Here’s a little bit of that learning process.
And where else does a girl look when seeking God’s answer on being inadequate in leading a group of former captives?
The Lord said to him, “Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.”:: Exodus 4:11-12
“So Moses did it, but he was MOSES?! How can I…?”
So Jesus said to them, “When you have lifted up the Son of Man, then you will know that I am he, and that I do nothing on my own authority, but speak just as the Father taught me.” John 8:28
And that same Spirit lives in you Kiddo, God WITH us…remember?
“Yes but, what do I say to these young women who have come from such dark places?”
We have the prophetic word more fully confirmed, to which you will do well to pay attention as to a lamp shining in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts, knowing this first of all, that no prophecy of Scripture comes from someone’s own interpretation. For no prophecy was ever produced by the will of man, but men spoke from God as they were carried along by the Holy Spirit. :: 2 Peter 1:19-21
And remember too that…
For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. :: 1 Cor 1: 26-29
So, that was it. I had one, long sit down, over-the-word meeting with the Lord and I was instantly ready to take on this internship no questions asked. #false
He works to remind me of His truth repeatedly when He’s teaching me something new in a season of life.
EX::A friend recently gave a message asking what the last thing the Lord asked us to obey Him on was. This friend spoke the truth saying that the Lord won’t reveal new things to us if we aren’t obedient in that last thing. The Lord has clearly asked me to take Him on his Word with this internship.
The 3rd reminder (sadly, He usually takes 3 avenues to speak the same lesson to me) was that the next friend whom I confessed my fear to and asked for prayer had this to say… “Good. Being completely scared is a good place to be. God works in our dependence.” And what did I say to thank them? I got
a bit A LOT huffy and basically told the friend (who cared enough to give me real truth) that this wasn’t what I wanted to hear. As a friend who consistently speaks truth into my life, they responded, “What else would you have me say?”.
Thank you Holy Spirit for using the mouths of friends to speak into the Truth-shaped hole in my fickle heart. Grace upon grace!
In this case, it is resting in His sovereign ability to speak through me, to give me strength, to be my Wisdom, to provide the gentle understanding that these girls need. This fear of going it alone is a good place to be. Truly. This is the reality I’ll need to abide in daily.
After all, I am His.
For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” :: Romans 8:15
Are there times when I still get scared?
Is that fear bigger than my Conqueror?
Praise God, no!
Do I still dread the free fall feeling?
It’s becoming more of a perpetual sky dive over some beautiful scenery with my “Abba”.